Friday, January 9, 2009

A snapshot of my heart

Do you ever think about what people might say at your funeral?
I asked this question among a group of friends the other day as we sat intimately in a fort that we had created with childlike giddy. It can be awkward to tell people what you really think about them to their face... but really, how sad would it be if you just assumed that they knew what you thought about them, but they were unsure and you lost that opportunity?
I think this has been my greatest undertaking recently. I'm not in any way perfect at it. In fact, I fail quite often, but my heart begs for me to try.

To the right is a picture of my beautiful, amazing and only sister Bethany (and nephew Cayden). Just after Christmas I had been the opportunity to sit down with her and have an open, loving conversation the likes of which we've never shared before. This is something that I have been hoping and praying for over the past couple weeks. And perhaps you're even reading this now, Bethany, and so I want to thank you deeply for being my sister and my friend. I want us to be friends forever. I want you to know that I love you and cherish you for the person you are. I think you're really cool and I look up to you so much!! And it's weird to tell you that in person, but I hope that with practice it will come more easily. For the unknowing reader, Beth and I are six years apart, and I can mostly describe our relationship growing up as a "love/hate" relationship. But I'm all about the love now :)

I am thankful that I have begun to see all that could be in a relationship with another person, but I do regret what time I may have wasted with my mom and sister especially growing up. I feel that with the friends I have now it is so easy to be open and loving with them, but there is this chasm of "the past" that holds me back from being completely vulnerable to my family. I feel that it might be inevitable to let myself be hurt in order to heal what may be festering within them. Sarcasm rips me down and it makes me not want to reveal my whole heart, but I feel that if I am expecting a full, unabashed love from them, I need to be the one to first step out into vulnerability and envelop them with the Love that completely covers me.

Oh, sweet Love of the Father. How tangible you are in my life. I'm so thankful that I am no longer my own, but fully God's. And this is not some rant of a girl just to draw attention to herself. That is the complete opposite of my intention. I am nothing compared to God and if anything can be taken away from these words that I write it is that God deserves all glory and recognition. I am astonished at the intricacy with which he has knit Creation and I love that I get to experience my fellow humanity with a deeply intimate love.

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