100% plus more!

Today, I received 100% of my financial support for this summer! Praise the Lord! PLUS more financial support that will be put into a scholarship fund for students who are coming on the project that do not reach their full support goal. I'm really excited that the Lord is providing in this way because last summer when I was in Milwaukee as a student for this summer project, I did not reach my full support goal and my support was completed through this scholarship fund. I would not have been able to continue my summer in Milwaukee without reaching my support goal, and probably would not be writing this blog right now if it hadn't been for people giving above and beyond their required support.

So, again, I thank all of you for all of your prayer and financial support! The Lord is moving in great ways!

A Love of a Jealous Kind

Today I have been listening to my pandora (free radio on the internet) and this one song that I have heard before really grabbed my attention today. It's called "Jealous Kind" by Jars of Clay. I've always enjoyed the musical style of the song before but I was really driven to find out more about the lyrics today. They are:

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
Sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with
the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
For solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand
'Cause I don't understand

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise,
betrays the heart's deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride

When I read these lyrics through at first, I was still rather confused. But thinking about the heart behind them, I take them as a very intimate and personal wrestling that an individual is having with the Lord.
As humans, we have this nature that causes us to seek after things to fulfill ourselves - the love and attention of other people, success in business, raising healthy children... These things are not bad in themselves, but I think all too easily we put them first, before God. But God is a jealous God - he doesn't want our leftover efforts. He doesn't want to be our second (or third or fourth) love. Jesus took the full wrath of God's justice on himself because he LOVES us! This is a love that truly shames the wise of this world. This is a love that breaks the backs of our foolish pride. This is a love that I am unworthy of. So unworthy.

But so grateful. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

Woohoo God!

Wow, I am floored by the Almighty!

This summer I have the incredible opportunity to return to Milwaukee as a student staff member for a summer project through Campus Crusade for Christ. I was on this project as a student last summer and it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. This whole blog is basically the lovechild of my summer in Milwaukee.

Well, I am "woohooing" God because today I received some support checks in the mail that brought me to the half-way point of my support goal! And I only sent out my support letters last week! It's amazing to see how God is working in people's hearts to give even when it seems money is so tight in the rest of the nation's economy.

Thank you, my supporters!! I am eagerly anticipating being a part of what God is going to do this summer in Milwaukee.

Waiting for My Bridegroom

In Bible study, we're currently looking at Jesus' teachings and what they meant in the context of his surroundings and the historical time period. Something that I found really fascinating was the comparison that Jesus used of himself being a bridegroom who was leaving to prepare a place in his father's house for his bride. In Jewish custom, when a man was ready to marry, his family would gather the resources for him to pay the "bride price" for his bride. He would go to this girl and they would share a glass of wine together signifying the covenant of their future marriage. He would then tell her that he was going back to his father's house to build a place for the two of them to live. While he was away, this girl learned all that she needed to know about being a wife and waited eagerly for the return of her husband. She did not know the exact day of his return, but she was expected to be always ready.
I think this is just a really incredible picture of what God is doing for us, the church - his bride. He has committed himself to us and is at this very moment preparing in heaven a place for us to be with him. Coming to this realization that Jesus loves me so much that the "bride price" he paid for me was his life has made me desire to be constantly preparing myself to be ready for his return. Everything I do on this earth should be in preparation for the kingdom that I will be welcomed into in heaven.
This means that every relationship that I have is an opportunity to share God's love and to build up his kingdom here on earth. My life has purpose and meaning beyond the worldy pursuits of a husband, kids, a good job, retirement, recognition, health... the list could go on. These things are not bad in themselves, but without submitting them to God's will, pursuing them alone will never be fulfilling.

Big Break 2009

For spring break this year I went with Campus Crusade for Christ to Panama City Beach in Florida for a conference called Big Break. There were about 50 students and staff from Madison that took a chartered bus all the way down to Florida for the week and we stayed in beautiful villas with about 6 people per villa. Big Break is a national conference with colleges from all over, so we had about 975 students from all over the U.S. for our particular spring break week. (There are 4 total weeks of spring break that the Big Break conference lasts for.)
The first few days were a bit overcast and rainy, but the sun came out full force on Tuesday and lasted through the rest of the week for us, so we were very thankful for that!
My typical day was waking about somewhere between 8 and 9, reading my Bible and praying while eating breakfast, going to the large group session at 10 to receive encouragement and training for the day's outreach. We had 3 awesome speakers - one who had lost his 23 year old son 4 years ago in the Iraq war. We learned a great deal about what it means to be a warrior for God and that we are constantly in a battle - not against people, but against the Enemy of this world. After this session we grabbed lunch at our villas and then headed out with our campuses to different locations along an 8 mile stretch of Panama City Beach. The craziest location was a night club called La Vela - it's actually acclaimed to be the largest night club in the United States. I have never seen so many beer cans in my life! Our goal at these locations was to approach people and ask them if they would take a spiritual interest survey. Most people were very receptive - I was only turned down three times the whole week by people who didn't want to take the survey, otherwise some of the other people who said no had already gone through it! By using this survey we were able to make a transition into sharing the gospel. Personally, I was able to share the gospel with at least 15 people the whole week. No one made a decision for Christ with me, but a lot of people told me that my conversation with them had been just what they needed and were definitely going to read through the information that I left with them about the gospel.
My most memorable conversation was with a girl named Taylor. One of the survey questions asks a person to choose three words to describe their life. One of the words that Taylor chose was "depressing." After I shared the gospel with her, I went back to this question and asked why she had said that. She told me that she had a habit of letting guys walk all over her. I looked straight into her eyes and told her that God loved her and respected her and that her worth came from him and not from any man. She told me that was a huge lift to her self-esteem.
This story is just one of MANY amazing things that God did this week! And I am excited to share that as a result of this week's sharing we have at least 640 new brothers and sisters in Christ!!
That was an incredible way to spend such a huge chunk of my day, but it was great to be able to go back to my villa in the evening and have dinner with friends and then have one more large group session to hear some of the day's sharing experiences.
Below is a picture of me and my friend Jen going through an outline of the gospel with some girls that we met on the beach.

Seeking the Lord

Tonight I heard three successful businessmen talk about how they live out their faith in the marketplace and how living as a Christ-follower can be challenging, but incredibly rewarding. One thing that struck me the most is their advice to not rush to the next thing; the next semester, graduation, first job, marriage... to just be constantly seeking the Lord and resting in His plan. He's got big things for me, but I do find myself just wishing that I was out of school already and doing what I'm "really made for." But the fact of the matter is, I'm really made for right now. I'm not promised anything else. I may not wake up tomorrow morning. And so I seek the Lord. Right now. And every moment; when I sit and when I run, when I eat and when I work. Whenever, wherever I am in this world. I will be thankful and I will not rush through the best days of my life. For each day, I am determined, will be the best day of my life.
I will cross each bridge as it comes. :)

By Your Side

This is a song by Tenth Avenue North that has really been drilling itself into my mind these past few days. Sometimes I find myself feeling incredibly lonely. Almost lost in my separateness from any other being. But these words are the best reminder that God is already holding me. Where will I run? Where would I dare dream of going? Why am I trying to earn grace when I already am overflowing with it?

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

Jelly Beans

Today, I got to talk to my two year old nephew on the phone. He is currently potty training and gets very excited about his accomplishments. Our conversation went as follows:
Cayden: "Hi B-B"
Me: "Hi Cayden, what are you doing?"
Cayden: "I'm gonna poo-poo on the potty!!"
Me: "Oh wow. Cool, good job! What do you get for going poo-poo on the potty?"
Cayden: "The red one!" (Jelly bean)
I couldn't be prouder. It's funny how perspective tends to shift in life. Who'd have thunk that I would have been so delighted to hear about bowel movements?

Why Filled? Why Sent?

This is a post that I have been meaning to write since I started my blog. Why did I name it this, "Filled and Sent"? Why and how am I filled? And sent? What does that even mean?
My friends, on a day like today, I feel the truth of these things to my very core. Today I met with a friend that I work with to have lunch. Over the fall semester we had gotten to know one another and often joked around. She is a phenomenal woman, very hard-working and very funny. I love the stories that she tells. I have been praying for her since early on in the semester because I greatly desired for the chance to share the gospel with her. And today seemed like the perfect opportunity! I was thrilled to have the chance to get to know her even deeper and to be able to share God's love with her. We started eating and she said to me, "so what's been going on in your life?" And instead of taking a deep breath and praying for the Holy Spirit to speak through me, I stumbled over my words and my thoughts. In somewhat rough, yet enjoyable conversation, I tried to explain the love that I feel from God and how my "life has been changed" and my "eternal perspective." Stumbling and stuttering through, I felt like I was completely failing. And just plain chickening out of telling her the truth of the gospel in plain English. But in God's grace, I was allowed to see a bit of her heart. She told me that she is becoming bored with her life - it's always the same old routine on weekends (going out, drinking...) and she feels like she needs a new group of friends. She wants to have a real meaning for her life. If that's not a blatant cry for the gospel, I don't know what is. Thankfully, she is super sweet and didn't mind my stammering. Our friendship, I hope, will continue to grow as I show her more of God's love. I do love her as a precious new friend and I pray that despite my failures that she would come to see God and know his love for her, and her need for him.
But I still haven't answered the question. Why filled? Why sent? This summer I learned about one of the most crucial aspects concerning my relationship with God. Let me try to make an analogy. Imagine that you are brewing a full pot of coffee, but you have only put in enough grounds for one cup. Now, you'll certainly be able to brew the coffee, but it will be very weak in flavor. And no matter how much water you keep adding to the brew, you may keep making more "coffee," but it will get weaker with each brew if you don't add more grounds. This is how I felt in my relationship with God. I felt like I was this over-brewed pot of coffee that was weak. I felt frustrated that I couldn't produce a "stronger brew" - a deeper faith, on my own. But what I discovered this summer is that I wasn't being continually filled by the Holy Spirit! When we first become Christians, the Holy Spirit comes and fills us. But this is not a one time deal - we are to be continually filled by the Holy Spirit. Paul even gives it as a command in Ephesians 5:18, "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit." So, back to the coffee example. There's no way that you can keep making coffee that tastes remotely decent if you're not continually filling up with new grounds. And there's no way that Christians can be effective or feel empowered if they are trying to follow God based solely upon what they possess within themselves. When I realized this truth this summer, I was absolutely floored. Oh, how I had been feeling so frustrated and exhausted from trying to live out my Christian life based upon my own efforts! But what incredible freedom I felt in letting the Holy Spirit fill me with his power and his strength. Now, each day I have been able to recognize my incredible need to be filled by the Spirit. The first necessary step is to confess any withstanding sin that I have before God. If sin dwells in my heart, then the Spirit cannot fill me. Some people like to call this "spiritual breathing." It is exhaling out all of the gunk that I have been letting fill me and then inhaling the Spirit and offering to him the reigns of my life once more. This is something that I try to do multiple times a day. Constantly I stumble and need once more to go through this process. But my is it worth it!! And this how one can measure a Spirit-filled life: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." - Galatians 5:22 When you take inventory of these 'fruits' in your life, you can tell if you are truly letting the Spirit fill you, or if you are still "brewing weak coffee."
I applaud you highly if you have read this far. The second portion of my title is about being sent. It's great to be filled by the Spirit, but that's not the whole story. After Jesus had risen from the dead, appeared to his disciples and was just about to be taken up to heaven, he gave them very important instructions. "Then Jesus came to them and said, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.' " - Matthew 28:18-20 Jesus has sent me (and you, if you are a Christ-follower!) to go make disciples of all nations. Every single person on this earth needs to know about Jesus and his love for them! That is a HUGE thing to command. It seems pretty scary thinking at the vastness of that command and the fact that we might be "stepping on toes." But listen to these verses from Romans 10:14-15, "How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, 'How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!' " Woah, baby. I don't know about you, but that hits home for me. And so I am living as a sent one. In my apartment, in my classes, in my workplace, in my Bible study, with my friends, on a bus... every day, every moment, for the rest of my life. I am a sent one for the gospel of Jesus Christ so that every nation will have a chance to call on the God who has loved them enough to give his only son for them.
This is why I am filled. This is why I am sent.

Our Great God!

Eternal God, Unchanging, Mysterious and unknown.
Your boundless love unfailing, In grace and mercy shown.
Bright seraphim in endless flight around your glorious throne.
They raise their voices day and night in praise to you alone.

Hallelujah! Glory be to our great God!
Hallelujah! Glory be to our great God!

Lord, We are weak and frail, Helpless in the storm.
Surround us with your angels, Hold us in your arms.
Our cold and ruthless enemy, His pleasure is our harm.
Rise up, O Lord, And he will flee before our Sovereign God.

Hallelujah! Glory be to our great God!
Hallelujah! Glory be to our great God!

Let every creature in the sea and every flying bird;
Let every mountain, Every field and valley of the earth;
Let all the moons and all the stars in all the universe
Sing praises to the Living God, Who rules them by His Word.

Hallelujah! Glory be to our great God!
Hallelujah! Glory be to our great God!

This was not on my list of "To Do's"

Of course, a good blog post is never planned out too far in advance, I find. It's just when that certain moment of clarity or inspiration hits that one just has to share. I'm really excited about this semester, I have decided. My classes seem to be decently interesting and not too difficult and it looks like I will have a good deal of time to spend with some of the women in my life who have become very dear to me. I am part of a Bible study of 11 women - 2 being our leaders. Tonight we decided that our goal for the semester is to draw closer to one another as we strive to grow closer to God. We want to take risks and show love to one another. My personal desire is to feel that by the end of the semester, it will have to be by physical force that I shall be separated from these women because my love for them will have grown so strong. More than my love for them will be my love for God and how he has used them to change and shape my heart over those couple of months. There is a lot of work to be done in my heart still.
Now, for some reason, I just feel that a post isn't complete if I don't have a picture to go along with it. So, I will share this picture of some lovely ladies - some of whom are in my Bible study. Goofy and beautiful.

Cast thy Burdens

"Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." - Psalm 55:22

O burden within me, please be cast off onto my Lord
I cannot bear the weight that you bring
My soul sags when it wants to soar
Let me forgive where I need to forgive
Bring me love where I have stopped feeling
Humble me so that I may not hold myself over anyone else
Like a shadow my burdens block the Light from shining fully
I need thee, Lord, I need thee

Midnight Musings

Dear friend,
I am feeling physically tired at the moment, but also inspired to write and muse. Perhaps this is not the wisest or most responsible decision to be making right now. This I will learn, I am sure. My friend, where are you when I want you to be right here with me in my greatest state of vulnerability? What dreams are you dreaming tonight? Perhaps you have caught glimpses of me. My God is the only one that I can always count on. Oh why do I doubt him? Lord, I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief. Surely, my friend, you do not know me as well as my Creator. Thank you for recognizing that. Thank you for bringing Him glory in your life.
With a tired body and a soul thirsting for the One who truly satisfies,
Good night

Breathtaking

So, it may seem to anyone who is reading my blog that my posts are mildly random, but in my head my method makes sense. Before I started sharing about specifics in my life, I wanted to lay some of the foundationals, like the major characters. This blog is sort of my own little story, I suppose. Anyway...
I really enjoy God's breathtaking creation and I try in many ways to capture an essence of it, mainly through photography. I have quite a few pictures that I would love to share, but I will choose just a select few. I love sifting through these images because I just praise God all over again for the beauty that he has created and it just brings a simple joy to my heart.

In these pictures:
1) God said good night with a richly painted sky one evening as I visited the Caribbean.
2) The angles of the flowers catch the sunlight in the most delightful manner, and I also love the delicacy of both the fly and the daisies.
3) Multnomah Falls, Washington. God is brilliant.
4) Clearly God is raining down his love through sunshine on the city. :) He is God of the city!

Love is a Many Splendored Thing

There is no possible way that I could go into as much detail in this blog as I'd desire to in order to properly describe my precious friendships, but I need to at least mention a little bit about them. And this particular post is also geared toward the women who have been especially significant in my life this year. The list of my beloved friends does go longer, but there has to be a cutoff somewhere!
This past summer I spent 8 weeks in Milwaukee on a summer project through Campus Crusade for Christ. When I was there, this gorgeous woman on the right was appointed my discipler. Andrea Urban is one of the most, if not the most, amazing women that I have ever met. She has lit up my life with laughter and has made me feel incredibly special with her love. She loves working in the inner city and she serves with incredible humility. Andrea speaks truth like no one else I know. She's also a delightfully playful child at heart. I know that I can always count on her.

This is Ms. Kara Atkinson. I also met her in Milwaukee while on project. She has been an intern with Here's Life Inner City - Milwaukee for the past year and a half. What I love about Kara is that she never takes herself too seriously. While we have a great deal of fun joking around, I've also been able to experience the depth of Kara's heart. She, too, has a heart for the poor and she serves faithfully. Kara can be amazingly and bluntly honest, and I love that about her.

God works in spectacular ways. The summer before I went on project to Milwaukee, my dear friend Cath Skroch was there on project and Andrea was her discipler! At that point, Cath was not a dear friend - she was barely an acquaintance. But by the amazing work of God's hand, he brought our lives together in a powerful way. Because of our individual bonds with Andrea, we were immediately able to fall into a close relationship this year and Cath began to disciple me! She is the most gentle and gracious creature that I have ever experienced. And I think that God has given her red hair to match the passion for life that burns within her.

I absolutely adore my roomie, BJ Molzahn. How could someone not love that face? BJ is hardly ever without a smile, which just shows the heart of joy that resides within her. It doesn't matter if we are keeling with laughter or listening to each others woes or somewhere in between, I take delight in each moment that I get to spend with this beloved daughter of God. Besides her smile, the first things that come to mind when I think of BJ are skinny jeans, her scarf, music, foreign accents, and a passion for living each day and stretching to attain all that God has for her. I look up to this woman tremendously.

Oh my - how beautiful and sweet it has been to grow deeper in my relationship with the lovely Annie Deutsch. I see a lot of myself in Annie - quiet, reserved, hesitant about which way to turn next, longing for more depth in life. I see Annie as a flower who is blooming before my very eyes! She serves other people with love and humility. I am amazed and awed by her athletic abilities :) There is nothing inauthentic about Annie and I'm always learning more from her and about her. What a blessing!

A snapshot of my heart

Do you ever think about what people might say at your funeral?
I asked this question among a group of friends the other day as we sat intimately in a fort that we had created with childlike giddy. It can be awkward to tell people what you really think about them to their face... but really, how sad would it be if you just assumed that they knew what you thought about them, but they were unsure and you lost that opportunity?
I think this has been my greatest undertaking recently. I'm not in any way perfect at it. In fact, I fail quite often, but my heart begs for me to try.

To the right is a picture of my beautiful, amazing and only sister Bethany (and nephew Cayden). Just after Christmas I had been the opportunity to sit down with her and have an open, loving conversation the likes of which we've never shared before. This is something that I have been hoping and praying for over the past couple weeks. And perhaps you're even reading this now, Bethany, and so I want to thank you deeply for being my sister and my friend. I want us to be friends forever. I want you to know that I love you and cherish you for the person you are. I think you're really cool and I look up to you so much!! And it's weird to tell you that in person, but I hope that with practice it will come more easily. For the unknowing reader, Beth and I are six years apart, and I can mostly describe our relationship growing up as a "love/hate" relationship. But I'm all about the love now :)

I am thankful that I have begun to see all that could be in a relationship with another person, but I do regret what time I may have wasted with my mom and sister especially growing up. I feel that with the friends I have now it is so easy to be open and loving with them, but there is this chasm of "the past" that holds me back from being completely vulnerable to my family. I feel that it might be inevitable to let myself be hurt in order to heal what may be festering within them. Sarcasm rips me down and it makes me not want to reveal my whole heart, but I feel that if I am expecting a full, unabashed love from them, I need to be the one to first step out into vulnerability and envelop them with the Love that completely covers me.

Oh, sweet Love of the Father. How tangible you are in my life. I'm so thankful that I am no longer my own, but fully God's. And this is not some rant of a girl just to draw attention to herself. That is the complete opposite of my intention. I am nothing compared to God and if anything can be taken away from these words that I write it is that God deserves all glory and recognition. I am astonished at the intricacy with which he has knit Creation and I love that I get to experience my fellow humanity with a deeply intimate love.

Rolling Fog, Seeing Clearly

As I drove through the thick fog with my brother Jordan and his fiance, Jen, I thought to myself, "this fog is so thick I could put it into a tupperware container." I probably could have, but I was fresh out of Gladware and securely belted into the vehicle.
It was really great to spend time with this brother of mine and my sister-in-law to be. We went over to a family friend's house and played trivial pursuit and battle of the sexes. This is the first quality time that I've spent with my brother in...um.... a decade or more? Perhaps when Rhumbas were in style? No... I just never really see the adventurous guy and I realized something about myself today. I assume the best in people I have never met, yet the worst of my family. Sure, they have qualities that painfully rub every fiber of my being at times, but they also have really endearing qualities. They are human. They are so loved, though! I want to love them for who they are as both inherently annoying and joyfully unique creatures. Lord, help me with this. I am weak to do it on my own.

Stalling

Currently I have one final paper that remains between me and the end of the semester and I am feeling quite apathetic toward it. (Obviously, considering I am blogging instead of writing it - it's due tomorrow!) Well, I am just certainly grateful that my calling in life is not to write academic papers. I find people much more interesting. I would rather spend hours and days on end talking and listening with someone rather than writing one research paper. This is the heart God has given me - and I praise Him for it!

Yesterday and today I had the opportunity to spend with my mom and grandma (the beautiful one who I talked about in my last post) and I just absolutely grew in appreciation for the wonderful family that I have come from. My mother is a fountain of wisdom and tender love that I have been too self-absorbed to tap into until this point in my life. I will drink of this fount from now on! And my dear grandmother - what an absolutely delightful sense of humor this woman has. We went to Olive Garden yesterday for lunch and the three of us were seated at a table for 6. My grandmother pipes up to tell our hostess, "make sure to send any single men to our table." I look forward to the deep-creased laugh lines that I will earn someday to match hers.
And since I previously posted a picture of my grand-mama, these pictures are an ode to my magnificent mama.

Desires of my Heart

Here I am, in my junior year of college, and I am just realizing how much richness of life that I have been missing. My family has been around me my whole life and I have taken their presence and the relationships that I have with them for granted. The desire of my heart this Christmas - well, for the rest of my life, really - is to deepen these relationships. I want to know their stories. I want to know their hearts. I want to see them as God sees them. Above is a picture of my grandmother - the only grandmother I've known. Isn't she BEAUTIFUL? I think she's amazing and her heart for the Lord is so tender. I hope one day that I can look that good and have a heart that soft.

Unravelling

In my mind there seems to be a knotted mass of thoughts that vary in urgency and importance. One strand is reminding me of my unsatiated stomach while another twists around it, its fibers probing me to override my desire to munch and go put on a pair of gloves because my fingers are turning an unhealthy shade of purple. But these are just the most extraneous strands. At the heart of this knot are my thoughts concerning what I am to do with my life. Yes, it's that broad. Of course I do not need to figure this out right now, but I do enjoy planning and imagining what the next turn of life will be like. How does one unravel the knot? I'm not that concerned about it, honestly, for there will probably never be a way to do so.
I'm just very thankful for friends who help me in this process of picking through the rainbow of strings and ropes. That is a great joy to me. Thanks for listening.